Everyone in New York’s been abuzz since the brain trust of Mayor Bloomberg, Anna Wintour and DVF decided to come up with Fashion’s Night Out, where over 700 boutiques in NYC will stay open late and have “parties” where you can shop, be entertained and –if you get to Bergdorf’s at the right time–be served drinks by the Olsen twins.

OK, having just eaten a peanut butter and banana sandwich, I have no business poking my head into any establishment that sells clothing, but that’s a moot point now. Willing to consider the cocaine and champagne campaign during Fashion Week (just kidding, Mom! The DARE program worked on me). Read on for our picks for the coolest, most insane and plain lame events/people that will be taking place in order to lure the dough from your wallet (or suck the credit from your AMEX).

Agent Provocateur: Free champagne and canapés and special gift with purchase. What kind of special gift, huh? Use your imaginations.

Alexander Wang: He will be cloning himself and showing up at  Bergdorf Goodman’s, Opening Ceremony and Barney’s, all in one night. We still like Alex, even though he tries to hawk $400 spandex bike shorts.

Armani: Rosie O’Donnell reading from Nora Ephron play “Love, Loss, and What I Wore” in-store. Wow, that’s exactly what I want to see–an angry, overweight lesbian reading chick lit at the Armani boutique at the start of Fashion Week.

Band of Outsiders: A THAI TIE TRUCK–a retrofitted Thai street vendor cart– will be open for business outside of Opening Ceremony and will sell Band of Outsiders ties made exclusively for the evening, as well as a special Thai-inspired dessert prepared by Christina Tosi of Momofuku. Just don’t get any of your dessert on your Band of Outsiders tie.

Barneys New York: at Madison and Sixty-first will be transformed into a street fair of designer personal appearances and creative events. Customers will have the opportunity to shop and mingle with Isabel Toledo, Marcus and David from Rag & Bone, Narciso Rodriguez, Thom Browne, Jonathan Adler, Lisa Perry, Alexander Wang, the Row’s Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, and more. In addition to the personal appearances, Barneys will stage a roster of happenings. Wool and the Gang will teach knitting, Lipstick Queen Poppy King will offer “lip readings,” Vogue editor Tonne Goodman will curate a fashion green market,  Adam Kimmel will show a Gerard Malanga video installation, Loomstate will customize T-shirts and Rodarte sponsors a special performance by Justin Bond. I’m getting a headache just thinking about it.

Bergdorf Goodman: Now, this is the shit! Victoria Beckham will be signing shirts, André Leon Talley will be hosting a life-sized version of the new game Fashion Rules!™, with teams led by Donna Karan, Linda Fargo and Robert Verdi. Olsen twins will be bartending and Zac Posen will be painting one-of-a-kind creations in the Fifth Avenue windows. Earlier in the evening, Padma Lakshmi, host of Bravo’s Top Chef, judges a designer cook-off with Cynthia Rowley, Edward Bess, Gilles Mendel, Lela Rose, Naeem Khan and Peter Som.  Additionally, a conversation with Isaac Mizrahi and tunes by the Ben Waltzer Trio.  Music by DJs Andrew Andrew, Johnny Dynell and Jon Jon Battle.

Billionaire Boy’s Club: Pharrell ringing up sales. Coolness!

Burberry: Lily Donaldson DJs, more champagne and canapés! (by this point, you should be slightly twisted).

Diane von Furstenberg: Tracey Anderson, Madonna’s trainer, leads exercises. Oh, yeah, let’s do crunches while other people are drinking champagne and buying fabulous frocks. Next!

Dior: Fashion photographer Arthur Elgort will be in-store taking portraits of Dior clients, which Arthur will personally sign. To be eligible, a minimum purchase of $2500 must be made that evening (yeah, ok). Clients will be selected for a portrait on first-come-first served basis. Alexandra Richards will be in-store DJing during the evening (Is EVERYONE a DJ these days?!).  Charlize Theron, the face of Dior’s J’Adore fragrance and September Vogue cover girl, will make a personal appearance in the boutique from 7-8 PM to sign copies of the September issue of Vogue.

H&M: Miss J from America’s Next Top Model will be giving runway lessons and will still keep you guessing as to what gender he/she is.

Missoni: Margherita Maccapani Missoni will host a cocktail party at the Missoni boutique and offer guests her style tips on creating their own personalized Missoni tote bags. Ummmm, why not just GIVE AWAY Missoni tote bags instead of teaching people how to make their own?!

Opening Ceremony: Block party with Alexander Wang (or one of his clones), the Rodarte girls and the dudes from Proenza Schouler who will all be selling custom wares out of the back of befitting custom cars.

Saks: Lots of crazypants events at Saks, including Justin Timberlake and Trace Ayala at a William Rast pop-up store (like THAT’S not going to be a shitshow), Carolina Herrera with a magician (I’m just as confused as you are) and lots and lots of other designers including Shoshanna Gruss, Eli Tahari, Christian Cota and Peter Som.

OK, I need another champagne to continue. Hold, please.

Tory Burch: Hosting a neighborhood block party at her boutique in the Meatpacking District. DJ Cassidy will be spinning, La Esquina will be barbecuing, and the Street Peeper will be snapping pictures of all the guests! The Tory Burch boutique at 257 Elizabeth Street will also be open late for a special evening of champagne (yay!) and shopping. A limited-edition camouflage tote bag will be given to every customer who makes a purchase that night.(Please note, Missoni: Tory is not making customers MAKE their own tote bags.)

Vera Wang: Vera Wang will celebrate the night with American Idol judge Kara Dioguardi and other special guests at her ready-to-wear boutique located at 158 Mercer Street in SoHo. Vera will offer advice and tips as she styles guests. For those shoppers who are camera-ready, pose for a photograph with the designer in the “Studio Booth.” Sip the signature drink of the night, “Vera Vodka,” while grooving to the beats spun by DJs Prince Peter and Jacob Dekat from The Box. Giveaways include Vera Wang Lavender Label shoes, Vera Wang Fine Papers stationery, Vera Wang Rock Princess and Vera Wang sunwear. Lotsa swag and vokda! This is one of my top picks.

Versace: Musical artist Ciara, Leigh Lezark of The Misshapes, nightlife doyen Amy Sacco, Vogue contributing editor Lauren Santo Domingo, actress Taylor Momsen and supermodels Chanel Iman, Jessica Joffe and Hana Soukupova (to name a few) create personalized looks for the models to wear throughout the evening. View these looks on live models while sipping Double Cross Vodka martinis and listening to The Misshapes. BTW, who wears Versace anymore?

So, what can you take away from this, my friends?  That if you time it right, you can get twisted by the third shop you visit, listen to umpteen celebrity “DJs” spin, attend several block parties and feel like a proud American supporting the economy by shopping. After all, if Carolina Herrera shows up to Saks with a magician and Anna Wintour makes it out to Queens–all in the name of saving fashion–you have a duty to show up and take advantage of the swag and the spectacle.